Post by Holski on Oct 19, 2009 3:48:22 GMT -7
[Ace narration]: I remember it like it was yesterday. Or last
Wednesday. Or February the 16th. I think it was both last Wednesday and
February the 16th, if that makes sense. Where was I? Oh, yes. Me and my
charges were plotting a scheme.....
[Fuzzy fade into backstage at Total Diplomacy.]
ACE: OK, guys, it's time to stick it to the man.
KILLA: Yo, Da Killa hear y'all! He gonna lay da tutti frutti on
AH-thrizzle fo sho'! Word.
ACE: No, not Alexander Hawkins. He's got as much swing as an irishman
wearing briefs. I was talking about Henry Spikes. I'm hopping mad after
he broke our promise. And not only did he break it, he did it on the
INTERNET! The NERVE!
ERT: But you started it, A..
ACE: Quiet! Anything and everything you say is insignificant.
ERT: What about when I saved Killa's marriage?
ACE: Killa isn't married!
KILLA: Only 2 da sea, yo.
ERT: Exactly! See, I "saved" Killa's marriage for later!
[Ace sighs.]
ACE: OK, that was really bad. Drink?
[James hands Ace the rye and ginger.]
ACE: What were we talking about again? Oh yeah. We'll show that
semi-Colin Powell for breaking a campaign promise by fighting against
him in the War on Interference! Ert, I want you to interfere in Killa's
match.
ERT: You've got it!
ACE: Excellent. I'll get up on the apron and distract the referee. You
run in with a chair or something.
ERT: SHA-BAM!
KILLA: Yo, what should da Killa dizzle?
ACE: Try not to get knocked unconscious within the first five minutes.
ERT: Nah, I can't wait that long.
ACE: OK, then how long should we wait?
ERT: Three minutes.
[Ert's eyes shoot wide open.]
ERT: Wait a minute.... did I just hear myself say... three....
minutes??
[Ert starts pulling at the skin on his neck.]
ERT: Ow.
[He tries again.]
ERT: OW!
ACE: Ert, what are you doing?
ERT: Trying to pull my mask off.
ACE: You're not wearing a mask! I don't know what you're trying but it
doesn't make a lick of sense.
*CRRRRRRRASH! !!*
[Two fat Samoan guys in sports jerseys have just run in and
shoulderblocked James over his bar. Both look at each other, shrug and
walk away.]
ACE: That was cool. Anyway, let's write this plan down...
[Ace pulls out a pencil.]
ACE: Now...
[Suddenly, a smaller but still portly white man wearing a baseball cap
backwards walks into frame and grabs Ace's pencil.]
*snap*
[The man walks away.]
ACE: Oh no! Why's THAT happening again?
[Fuzzy fade.]
[Ace Narration]: But then everything went wrong... Killa was bludgeoned
at the hands of a Playstation or Nintendo or whatever and Ert... Ert
had jeopardized our tag team titles!]
[The fuzz ends up back in the same hallway where Ace is chastising his
young charges. Well, the one that's conscious. Killa is in a heap in
the corner with a Gamecube memory card input slot stuck in his hair and
a mark from the Wii's nunchuk chord around his neck.]
ACE: ERT, YOU FOOL!!! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO HIT KILLA!!!
ERT: I wasn't supposed to NOT hit him!
ACE: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! !!! Now Killa may have a concussion and... oh my
God! NO!!! Ert, do you realize what you've DONE??? The stipules... the
ruluations! You attacked your partner! You... Ert, you may have cost me
my tag team.. er.. may have cost Da Ace Killas their Tag Team
Championship belts!
ERT: WHAT?? Don't worry, Ace, I'll take care of who's responsible. ..
[Ert runs into the corner and knees Killa in the face. He begins
pounding him with right hands.]
ERT: How DARE you make it so appealing to smash you in the face with
blunt instruments! SHA-BAM!!
ACE: Oh, shit!
[Fuzzy fade.]
ACE: And now, here I sit in Washington, DC, about to learn the fate of
the Da Ace Killas and the DCWL Tag Team Championships. Will Ert and
Killa be stripped of the titles due to Ert's crass mistake? I guess
only time will tell.
MAN: Will you shut up? You've been prattling along like you're in some
damn film noir or something!
ACE: SHUT UP! I'm trying to think, here! I'm under a lot of stress!
Ohgodohgodohgodohgo d....
MAN: QUIET! The lord shall be referred to around here as "Vindicator. "
ACE: Huh? But he hasn't even shown up backstage at a DCWL event in
wee...
MAN: BE SILENT, KNAVE!!!
ACE: And I thought _I_ was ridiculous.
MAN: GO NOW TO SEE HENRY SPIKES! THOU HAST WAITED LONG ENOUGH!
[The man squints.]
MAN: ...as have _I_ listened to your vile words.
ACE: Weren't you normal just a second ago?
[Jump cut to the office of Henry Spikes, where the Commissioner is
standing in front of his desk, adjusting something in his ear.]
SPIKES: Can you hear me, Joe? I want to make sure this Bluetooth thing
works.
[Silence, followed by a chuckle.]
SPIKES: Excellent. Now, like I was saying before, I want to be sure we
have all the details of this contract fleshed out before Total
Denomination. I just got the copy of the contract you faxed over. It
should be on the desk here somewhere.
[Henry turns to shuffle through the papers on his desk. Ace Stevens
walks into the office, though Spikes still has his back turned.]
ACE: Henry, um.... Hi, um... about those things I said to you on the
DCWL website. That was, um.. I was joking!
SPIKES: Ah! I knew it!
ACE: Oh! Really? Good! Now, I know you're probably upset about what
happened with the Hawkins-Killa match. But, I figure since Ert and
Killa aren't forced to team up.... no, wait, _I_ forced them to team
up. Er... I mean... since they team up _regularly_. Yeah, that's it.
That's the ticket. Since they team up regularly they don't apply to
the "offenders get stripped of their titles stip, right?"
SPIKES: No, that won't apply here.
ACE: YES!!! Thank you! But, you know... business being business, can I
get that in writing?
SPIKES: I can take care of that right now.
ACE: Great! Here you go!
[Ace pulls out a piece of paper.]
ACE: I've already got it written down that we can't be stripped of our
tag team titles... *cough*
andwecangetthefinan cebudgetfortheth irdpartofX- dudesoutofthemon eyeveryone' sdonatingnextwee k.
*cough*.
[One of Spikes' interns walks in holding a stack of documents. She
walks in front of Spikes and hands them to him.]
INTERN: Commissioner, can you approve these?
ACE: Oh, let me just put this on top!
[Ace does just that.]
SPIKES: Yes.
[Spikes begins signing the documents without even looking at them and
setting them aside one-by-one. Ace grabs his piece of paper as the
assistant leaves.]
ACE: YES! Thanks, Henry!!!
SPIKES: That should work.
[Ace leaves the room.]
ACE: Now all I need is a notary! Now where can I find someone to do it?
[Into shot walk Jive Pawnbroker and Joe Pansac.]
JP: What up, foo?
ACE: Jiveman! You have the qualifications! Can you notarize this for
me?
JP: I can dig it!
[Pawnbroker pulls out a stamp and does just that.]
ACE: Oh, by the way that watch you sold me broke.
JP: No returns, honky.
PANSAC: Me give you twenty dollars for broken watch and
BRAAAAAAAIIIIINS! !!
ACE: Can't help you. Thanks for the notary, though. By the way, you
should talk to Spikes! He's really receptive right now Maybe you could
get your contracts!
JP: Shut yo mouth!
ACE: No, it's true! I've gotta run, though. I'll see you later.
[Ace leaves.]
JP: Betta not, cracka! Brake it both ways smack'em, yak'em. Yo,
Deadman! We ain't be gettin' da same ol', same ol'! We can hit
ourselves up with wrestlin' contracts!
PANSAC: And BRAAAAAAIIIIIINS?
JP: I ain't got no brains for vendin', cracka!
[Pawnbroker walks into Spikes' office.]
JP: Yo, Commish!
SPIKES: I'll talk to you later.
JP: Damn, he busy...
[Brains 'n' Chains Express leaves.]
SPIKES: Yeah, the reception on this thing is horrible. I keep hearing
other conversations. Just take care of it, alright Joe? Thanks. Bye.
[Spikes removes the earpiece, then turns around, looking out into the
office.]
SPIKES: Mr. Stevens, I have some bad news for you.
[Silence.]
SPIKES: Mr. Stevens?
[Frowning, he walks out into the main section. He looks around but
obviously doesn’t see what he’s looking for. He grabs the attention of
the intern from earlier.]
SPIKES: Have you seen Mr. Stevens? He’s late for an appointment.
INTERN: I believe it was Mr. Stevens that just left, sir.
SPIKES: Left?
[He turns back to the Brains N Chains Express.]
SPIKES: Do you know anything about this?
JP: Sheeet, mofo. Da Ace man got what he came fo.
SPIKES: Being…?
PANSAC: The tag titles and some money.
[Everything stops in the office as all eyes are on Pansac.]
PANSAC: …but no BRRAAAAAIIIINNNNNSS S!
[Normal office functions continue. Spikes looks like he is about to
explode.]
SPIKES: How?
JP: You signed dem suckas away, honkey. It be notarized and
everything.
[Seething, Spikes tries to get a grip on himself. He closes his eyes
and slowly speaks in a manner that pains him with every syllable.]
SPIKES: And…just what money did I sign away? How much?
[Both members of BnC avert their eyes. Spikes walks back into his
office, slamming the door behind him. Cut to Ace outside the building.]
ACE: *phew* Oh, thank God. That was a close one. Now Da Killas can keep
their titles and get to defend them against the Spirits... of....
the.....
[Ace blinks twice.]
ACE: Oh, crap.
[End.]
Wednesday. Or February the 16th. I think it was both last Wednesday and
February the 16th, if that makes sense. Where was I? Oh, yes. Me and my
charges were plotting a scheme.....
[Fuzzy fade into backstage at Total Diplomacy.]
ACE: OK, guys, it's time to stick it to the man.
KILLA: Yo, Da Killa hear y'all! He gonna lay da tutti frutti on
AH-thrizzle fo sho'! Word.
ACE: No, not Alexander Hawkins. He's got as much swing as an irishman
wearing briefs. I was talking about Henry Spikes. I'm hopping mad after
he broke our promise. And not only did he break it, he did it on the
INTERNET! The NERVE!
ERT: But you started it, A..
ACE: Quiet! Anything and everything you say is insignificant.
ERT: What about when I saved Killa's marriage?
ACE: Killa isn't married!
KILLA: Only 2 da sea, yo.
ERT: Exactly! See, I "saved" Killa's marriage for later!
[Ace sighs.]
ACE: OK, that was really bad. Drink?
[James hands Ace the rye and ginger.]
ACE: What were we talking about again? Oh yeah. We'll show that
semi-Colin Powell for breaking a campaign promise by fighting against
him in the War on Interference! Ert, I want you to interfere in Killa's
match.
ERT: You've got it!
ACE: Excellent. I'll get up on the apron and distract the referee. You
run in with a chair or something.
ERT: SHA-BAM!
KILLA: Yo, what should da Killa dizzle?
ACE: Try not to get knocked unconscious within the first five minutes.
ERT: Nah, I can't wait that long.
ACE: OK, then how long should we wait?
ERT: Three minutes.
[Ert's eyes shoot wide open.]
ERT: Wait a minute.... did I just hear myself say... three....
minutes??
[Ert starts pulling at the skin on his neck.]
ERT: Ow.
[He tries again.]
ERT: OW!
ACE: Ert, what are you doing?
ERT: Trying to pull my mask off.
ACE: You're not wearing a mask! I don't know what you're trying but it
doesn't make a lick of sense.
*CRRRRRRRASH! !!*
[Two fat Samoan guys in sports jerseys have just run in and
shoulderblocked James over his bar. Both look at each other, shrug and
walk away.]
ACE: That was cool. Anyway, let's write this plan down...
[Ace pulls out a pencil.]
ACE: Now...
[Suddenly, a smaller but still portly white man wearing a baseball cap
backwards walks into frame and grabs Ace's pencil.]
*snap*
[The man walks away.]
ACE: Oh no! Why's THAT happening again?
[Fuzzy fade.]
[Ace Narration]: But then everything went wrong... Killa was bludgeoned
at the hands of a Playstation or Nintendo or whatever and Ert... Ert
had jeopardized our tag team titles!]
[The fuzz ends up back in the same hallway where Ace is chastising his
young charges. Well, the one that's conscious. Killa is in a heap in
the corner with a Gamecube memory card input slot stuck in his hair and
a mark from the Wii's nunchuk chord around his neck.]
ACE: ERT, YOU FOOL!!! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO HIT KILLA!!!
ERT: I wasn't supposed to NOT hit him!
ACE: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! !!! Now Killa may have a concussion and... oh my
God! NO!!! Ert, do you realize what you've DONE??? The stipules... the
ruluations! You attacked your partner! You... Ert, you may have cost me
my tag team.. er.. may have cost Da Ace Killas their Tag Team
Championship belts!
ERT: WHAT?? Don't worry, Ace, I'll take care of who's responsible. ..
[Ert runs into the corner and knees Killa in the face. He begins
pounding him with right hands.]
ERT: How DARE you make it so appealing to smash you in the face with
blunt instruments! SHA-BAM!!
ACE: Oh, shit!
[Fuzzy fade.]
ACE: And now, here I sit in Washington, DC, about to learn the fate of
the Da Ace Killas and the DCWL Tag Team Championships. Will Ert and
Killa be stripped of the titles due to Ert's crass mistake? I guess
only time will tell.
MAN: Will you shut up? You've been prattling along like you're in some
damn film noir or something!
ACE: SHUT UP! I'm trying to think, here! I'm under a lot of stress!
Ohgodohgodohgodohgo d....
MAN: QUIET! The lord shall be referred to around here as "Vindicator. "
ACE: Huh? But he hasn't even shown up backstage at a DCWL event in
wee...
MAN: BE SILENT, KNAVE!!!
ACE: And I thought _I_ was ridiculous.
MAN: GO NOW TO SEE HENRY SPIKES! THOU HAST WAITED LONG ENOUGH!
[The man squints.]
MAN: ...as have _I_ listened to your vile words.
ACE: Weren't you normal just a second ago?
[Jump cut to the office of Henry Spikes, where the Commissioner is
standing in front of his desk, adjusting something in his ear.]
SPIKES: Can you hear me, Joe? I want to make sure this Bluetooth thing
works.
[Silence, followed by a chuckle.]
SPIKES: Excellent. Now, like I was saying before, I want to be sure we
have all the details of this contract fleshed out before Total
Denomination. I just got the copy of the contract you faxed over. It
should be on the desk here somewhere.
[Henry turns to shuffle through the papers on his desk. Ace Stevens
walks into the office, though Spikes still has his back turned.]
ACE: Henry, um.... Hi, um... about those things I said to you on the
DCWL website. That was, um.. I was joking!
SPIKES: Ah! I knew it!
ACE: Oh! Really? Good! Now, I know you're probably upset about what
happened with the Hawkins-Killa match. But, I figure since Ert and
Killa aren't forced to team up.... no, wait, _I_ forced them to team
up. Er... I mean... since they team up _regularly_. Yeah, that's it.
That's the ticket. Since they team up regularly they don't apply to
the "offenders get stripped of their titles stip, right?"
SPIKES: No, that won't apply here.
ACE: YES!!! Thank you! But, you know... business being business, can I
get that in writing?
SPIKES: I can take care of that right now.
ACE: Great! Here you go!
[Ace pulls out a piece of paper.]
ACE: I've already got it written down that we can't be stripped of our
tag team titles... *cough*
andwecangetthefinan cebudgetfortheth irdpartofX- dudesoutofthemon eyeveryone' sdonatingnextwee k.
*cough*.
[One of Spikes' interns walks in holding a stack of documents. She
walks in front of Spikes and hands them to him.]
INTERN: Commissioner, can you approve these?
ACE: Oh, let me just put this on top!
[Ace does just that.]
SPIKES: Yes.
[Spikes begins signing the documents without even looking at them and
setting them aside one-by-one. Ace grabs his piece of paper as the
assistant leaves.]
ACE: YES! Thanks, Henry!!!
SPIKES: That should work.
[Ace leaves the room.]
ACE: Now all I need is a notary! Now where can I find someone to do it?
[Into shot walk Jive Pawnbroker and Joe Pansac.]
JP: What up, foo?
ACE: Jiveman! You have the qualifications! Can you notarize this for
me?
JP: I can dig it!
[Pawnbroker pulls out a stamp and does just that.]
ACE: Oh, by the way that watch you sold me broke.
JP: No returns, honky.
PANSAC: Me give you twenty dollars for broken watch and
BRAAAAAAAIIIIINS! !!
ACE: Can't help you. Thanks for the notary, though. By the way, you
should talk to Spikes! He's really receptive right now Maybe you could
get your contracts!
JP: Shut yo mouth!
ACE: No, it's true! I've gotta run, though. I'll see you later.
[Ace leaves.]
JP: Betta not, cracka! Brake it both ways smack'em, yak'em. Yo,
Deadman! We ain't be gettin' da same ol', same ol'! We can hit
ourselves up with wrestlin' contracts!
PANSAC: And BRAAAAAAIIIIIINS?
JP: I ain't got no brains for vendin', cracka!
[Pawnbroker walks into Spikes' office.]
JP: Yo, Commish!
SPIKES: I'll talk to you later.
JP: Damn, he busy...
[Brains 'n' Chains Express leaves.]
SPIKES: Yeah, the reception on this thing is horrible. I keep hearing
other conversations. Just take care of it, alright Joe? Thanks. Bye.
[Spikes removes the earpiece, then turns around, looking out into the
office.]
SPIKES: Mr. Stevens, I have some bad news for you.
[Silence.]
SPIKES: Mr. Stevens?
[Frowning, he walks out into the main section. He looks around but
obviously doesn’t see what he’s looking for. He grabs the attention of
the intern from earlier.]
SPIKES: Have you seen Mr. Stevens? He’s late for an appointment.
INTERN: I believe it was Mr. Stevens that just left, sir.
SPIKES: Left?
[He turns back to the Brains N Chains Express.]
SPIKES: Do you know anything about this?
JP: Sheeet, mofo. Da Ace man got what he came fo.
SPIKES: Being…?
PANSAC: The tag titles and some money.
[Everything stops in the office as all eyes are on Pansac.]
PANSAC: …but no BRRAAAAAIIIINNNNNSS S!
[Normal office functions continue. Spikes looks like he is about to
explode.]
SPIKES: How?
JP: You signed dem suckas away, honkey. It be notarized and
everything.
[Seething, Spikes tries to get a grip on himself. He closes his eyes
and slowly speaks in a manner that pains him with every syllable.]
SPIKES: And…just what money did I sign away? How much?
[Both members of BnC avert their eyes. Spikes walks back into his
office, slamming the door behind him. Cut to Ace outside the building.]
ACE: *phew* Oh, thank God. That was a close one. Now Da Killas can keep
their titles and get to defend them against the Spirits... of....
the.....
[Ace blinks twice.]
ACE: Oh, crap.
[End.]
