Post by Holski on Nov 24, 2009 14:20:29 GMT -7
[Cut to the back where there's a small pop for the DCWL Tag Team
Champions, Da Ace Killas, who are hanging out in full company. Ace
Stevens is pacing.]
Ace: Damn supercards! How come every time they come around...
[Ert interrupts Ace by singing.]
Ert: My London, London bridge, wanna go down like London, London,
London, wanna go down li...
Ace: Shut up! Who the hell do you think you are? Fergie??
Ert: FERTgie.
Ace: AS I WAS SAYING... Why is it every time there's a supercard we're
not defending our titles?
[James chimes in while polishing a beer glass behind his mobile bar.]
James: What, do you want to give Spirits of the Hunt a rematch?
Ace: Um... on second thought, SOD defending the titles! We can get by!
Besides, I'm allowed to bring the ENTIRE troupe to the big shows!
What's up, Blobbin?
Blobbin: I'm playing Terrence and Phillip!
*fart*
Blobbin: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!
Kevin: And HE got the Hugh Jackman role instead of me?
Ace: You're cut, Anna Paquin.
Kevin: Awwwwwwwww.. .
Ace: Speaking of which, we need to find someone to play another role in
X-Dudes. We're one short on Ert-Neato!'s Brotherhood.
Killa: Yo, how 'bout AH-Thrizzle, yo?
Ace: Nah, he'll commit suicide before we can start shooting.
James: How about Logan?
Ace: No, same problem.
Ert: I bet Logan'll die first!
Ace: No way.
Ert: Wanna bet?
Ace: You're on! Everyone! Dead pool! RIGHT HERE!
[All Da Ace Killas - Ace, Ert, Killa, James, Blobbin, Kevin and Mark -
pull out notepads and pens and scribble down a name.]
Ace: Alright! Everyone puts in 50 bucks and the first person to have
the DCWL superstar they wrote down dead gets a share of the pot!
Ert: I win.
Blobbin: I win.
Kevin: I'm cut... er... I win.
James: I win.
Killa: Yo!
Mark: IM A WINNORZ LMAO PWNED~!
Ace: WHAT?! How...
[Everyone shows their pad to Ace... they've all written Joe "Deadman"
Pansac.]
Ace: Goddammit!
[Ace shows his pad to everyone else. He's written Ratt Klyczofvski,
along with a stick-figure diagram of him being eaten alive by a
flesh-eating virus. A stick figure labelled "me" is nearby with a jar
labelled "F.E.V." and a surgeon's mask.]
Ert: Now you owe everyone money! SHA-BAM!
Ace: This is hardly fair! How can you write down someone who's already
dead as... or... someone who pretends to be dead but isn't re... or...
DAMMIT! I'm taking this up with the Commissioner!
James: Uhhh.... Ace, are you really sure you want to talk to the
Commissioner?
Ace: Of course! He'll correct this great injustice! Now if you'll
excuse me...
[Ace leaves.]
James: Huh... I think I may need a drink.
[Kevin walks up to the bar.]
Kevin: Cut me in for something too, eh?
James: Sure thing...
[James pauses for comedic timing.]
James: You're cut.
Kevin: Awwww...
[Blobbin looks over to his left... where Joe "Deadman" Pansac has
apparently been sitting the whole time, also holding a notepad with his
name written on it. The crowd pops.]
Blobbin: Hey, Joe! How did you know to write your own name down, too?
[Pansac thinks it over for a second.]
Pansac: Because me got BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIII IIINS!!!! Wait.... me got
BRAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIII IIIIIINS? ??
[Pansac holds his arms high and looks upward. A white light shines upon
him and an angelic choir begins to sing...]
Pansac: Beautiful light!!
[... and then nothing happens. The light stops shining and the singing
stops.]
Pansac: Awww... me still must have unfinished business!
[Pansac stands up and looks around.]
Pansac: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIII IIIIIIIINS! !!
[Pansac walks up to James at the bar.]
Pansac: ... and a Sex on the Beach.
James: Comin' right up!
[The camera cuts back to the broadcast table, where both Rich and
Hollywood look a little bit dumber for having watched the previous
scene.]
RM: "I ... uh ..."
HP: "... Dammit?"
[Later...]
[There's a noticable boo as the camera cuts to the Commissioner' s
office, where Henry Spikes is hard at work... and talking once again on
the phone.]
SPIKES: BOUNCED?!
[Pause.]
SPIKES: What do you mean it BOUNCED?!
[Another pause, as Henry sighs and addresses the phone.]
SPIKES: Well, we did get SOME money, right?! I mean, we have at least
enough to pay Orion.
SPIKES: Thank goodness for small favors. Alright, I'll keep in touch,
Joe. Bye.
[Spikes hangs up, then holds his head in his hands when suddenly...]
*! SLAM !*
[Spikes' work is interrupted by the sound of his office door slamming
against the wall, opened hastily by an angered Ace Stevens.]
ACE: This is an outrage, Spikes! How the hell can someone win a dead
pool by selecting a man who's CLEARLY ALIVE that just happens to be
portraying a mentally-deficient zombie?!? I DEMAND you look into this,
Spikes! The very IDEA that others could be cheated out of money...
um... cheated out of... uh...
[Ace seems to realize what he's doing. Spikes' face couldn't be
described in a million words.]
ACE: Oh! Yeah! So, anyway... bye!!
[Spikes interrupts before Ace can leave.]
SPIKES: MIS-ter Stevens...
ACE: Present.
[Spikes looks on the brink of explosion, then chuckles slightly.]
SPIKES: It may interest you to know that you've been cheated in more
ways than one. Mister Hawkins has stopped payment on his check and,
apparently, Mr. Damon's check was overdrawing on his account. You and I
appear to have both lost money.
ACE: We have?
SPIKES: Indeed, which seems to present me with a small problem. See,
I'm able to cover the head referee contracts already signed but, well,
there are still two more territories to go. I have to make sure that we
can cover those necessary salaries. I think the best way to do this is
to cut payroll, say by firing one of the less useful talents.
ACE: Hey, Alexander Hawkins may be... oh, wait... you're talking about
Ert and Killa, aren't you?
[Ace ponders this for a moment.]
ACE: Hmmm... maybe Mr. and Mrs. Mangler would be willing to come out of
retirement.. .
SPIKES [laughing]: No! I'm not firing one of the tag team champions,
even if their competition is a little...thin right now.
ACE: Hey, it's not MY fault that consumption of sandwiches amongst tag
teams has...
SPIKES: I'm firing their manager.
[Ace's jaw drops.]
ACE: Um... WHAT?
SPIKES: Most businesses don't allow their employees to consistently
defy bosses and steal money from their pockets. It's no different here.
ACE: But... but... Henry, er... Commissioner Spikes... I... I can't
lose this job! I have far too many investments here! Plus, Da Ace
Killas are like my family! Ert... Killa... James.... um... the fat one!
And, uh.... wait, does Jive Pawnbroker work for you or me? I can't
remember.
SPIKES: Whether he does or not is inconsequential. Under DCWL policy
all managerial contracted talents are welcomed wholly under the company
umbrella.
ACE: You mean you're going to turn them all into ZOMBIES??
SPIKES: Beg pardon?
ACE: Never mind. Henry, you can't do this! I'm on the cusp of forging
the next chapter of my ultimate creation. See, I didn't even need that
one percent! I've got an outside producer funding the project now!
SPIKES: Oh no, I do believe we’ve all had our fill of mysterious
benefactors, Mr. Stevens.
ACE: Don't worry, it's not... y'know... "him." In fact, I know exactly
who the producer is, but it's inconsequential. What IS consequential is
my completing the project. Hey! I have an idea. Henry, I'm so sorry
things have gotten as out of control as they have. I was talking
earlier with Da Other Killas about needing to add someone from the DCWL
family to the movie. Henry, are... are you interested?
[Spikes seems to consider this.]
SPIKES: A movie role?
ACE: Yeah! I don't know what political figures do here in the United
States, but in Canada our politicians act all the time! Prime Minister
Harper on "Corner Gas..." former Prime Minister Jean Chretien on "Royal
Canadian Air Farce..." You could follow their lead and start an
American political acting revolution!
[Henry chuckles.]
SPIKES: Well, this DCWL gig isn't going to last forever. Sooner or
later I'll have to be back in an election, and some notariety won't
hurt. It works a little differently in America, though. Outside of Al
Gore, most of the time it’s actors turning into politicians. Arnold
Schwarzenegger, Jesse Ventura…
SPIKES: Ronald Reagan…
[Awkward pause.]
ACE: So how about it, Henry? I give you some screen time and I can keep
my job!
[Spikes snaps out of it, then looks long and hard at Stevens.]
SPIKES: If you screw me over, you'll regret it.
ACE: Look, I guarantee you'll be in the movie. Not only that, it'll be
a show-stealing performance, I assure you. It'll be so electric that
it's all ANYONE in the DCWL will be talking about! I swear!
[Henry sighs.]
SPIKES: Very well, Mr. Stevens, I shall find another way.
ACE: Henry, your decision-making prowess continues to amaze me!
SPIKES: I'll take that as a compliment. Now go.
ACE: Yes sir! I'll give you a call when I need you on set!
SPIKES: Very well. I hope this is the end of our troubles.
ACE: Hey, with... um... "that guy" out of the picture, what problems
could I possibly give you?
[Spikes raises a skeptical eyebrow at Ace.]
ACE: Oh, right... goodbye!
[Ace leaves, as the camera cuts back to the broadcast table.]
Champions, Da Ace Killas, who are hanging out in full company. Ace
Stevens is pacing.]
Ace: Damn supercards! How come every time they come around...
[Ert interrupts Ace by singing.]
Ert: My London, London bridge, wanna go down like London, London,
London, wanna go down li...
Ace: Shut up! Who the hell do you think you are? Fergie??
Ert: FERTgie.
Ace: AS I WAS SAYING... Why is it every time there's a supercard we're
not defending our titles?
[James chimes in while polishing a beer glass behind his mobile bar.]
James: What, do you want to give Spirits of the Hunt a rematch?
Ace: Um... on second thought, SOD defending the titles! We can get by!
Besides, I'm allowed to bring the ENTIRE troupe to the big shows!
What's up, Blobbin?
Blobbin: I'm playing Terrence and Phillip!
*fart*
Blobbin: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!
Kevin: And HE got the Hugh Jackman role instead of me?
Ace: You're cut, Anna Paquin.
Kevin: Awwwwwwwww.. .
Ace: Speaking of which, we need to find someone to play another role in
X-Dudes. We're one short on Ert-Neato!'s Brotherhood.
Killa: Yo, how 'bout AH-Thrizzle, yo?
Ace: Nah, he'll commit suicide before we can start shooting.
James: How about Logan?
Ace: No, same problem.
Ert: I bet Logan'll die first!
Ace: No way.
Ert: Wanna bet?
Ace: You're on! Everyone! Dead pool! RIGHT HERE!
[All Da Ace Killas - Ace, Ert, Killa, James, Blobbin, Kevin and Mark -
pull out notepads and pens and scribble down a name.]
Ace: Alright! Everyone puts in 50 bucks and the first person to have
the DCWL superstar they wrote down dead gets a share of the pot!
Ert: I win.
Blobbin: I win.
Kevin: I'm cut... er... I win.
James: I win.
Killa: Yo!
Mark: IM A WINNORZ LMAO PWNED~!
Ace: WHAT?! How...
[Everyone shows their pad to Ace... they've all written Joe "Deadman"
Pansac.]
Ace: Goddammit!
[Ace shows his pad to everyone else. He's written Ratt Klyczofvski,
along with a stick-figure diagram of him being eaten alive by a
flesh-eating virus. A stick figure labelled "me" is nearby with a jar
labelled "F.E.V." and a surgeon's mask.]
Ert: Now you owe everyone money! SHA-BAM!
Ace: This is hardly fair! How can you write down someone who's already
dead as... or... someone who pretends to be dead but isn't re... or...
DAMMIT! I'm taking this up with the Commissioner!
James: Uhhh.... Ace, are you really sure you want to talk to the
Commissioner?
Ace: Of course! He'll correct this great injustice! Now if you'll
excuse me...
[Ace leaves.]
James: Huh... I think I may need a drink.
[Kevin walks up to the bar.]
Kevin: Cut me in for something too, eh?
James: Sure thing...
[James pauses for comedic timing.]
James: You're cut.
Kevin: Awwww...
[Blobbin looks over to his left... where Joe "Deadman" Pansac has
apparently been sitting the whole time, also holding a notepad with his
name written on it. The crowd pops.]
Blobbin: Hey, Joe! How did you know to write your own name down, too?
[Pansac thinks it over for a second.]
Pansac: Because me got BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIII IIINS!!!! Wait.... me got
BRAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIII IIIIIINS? ??
[Pansac holds his arms high and looks upward. A white light shines upon
him and an angelic choir begins to sing...]
Pansac: Beautiful light!!
[... and then nothing happens. The light stops shining and the singing
stops.]
Pansac: Awww... me still must have unfinished business!
[Pansac stands up and looks around.]
Pansac: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIII IIIIIIIINS! !!
[Pansac walks up to James at the bar.]
Pansac: ... and a Sex on the Beach.
James: Comin' right up!
[The camera cuts back to the broadcast table, where both Rich and
Hollywood look a little bit dumber for having watched the previous
scene.]
RM: "I ... uh ..."
HP: "... Dammit?"
[Later...]
[There's a noticable boo as the camera cuts to the Commissioner' s
office, where Henry Spikes is hard at work... and talking once again on
the phone.]
SPIKES: BOUNCED?!
[Pause.]
SPIKES: What do you mean it BOUNCED?!
[Another pause, as Henry sighs and addresses the phone.]
SPIKES: Well, we did get SOME money, right?! I mean, we have at least
enough to pay Orion.
SPIKES: Thank goodness for small favors. Alright, I'll keep in touch,
Joe. Bye.
[Spikes hangs up, then holds his head in his hands when suddenly...]
*! SLAM !*
[Spikes' work is interrupted by the sound of his office door slamming
against the wall, opened hastily by an angered Ace Stevens.]
ACE: This is an outrage, Spikes! How the hell can someone win a dead
pool by selecting a man who's CLEARLY ALIVE that just happens to be
portraying a mentally-deficient zombie?!? I DEMAND you look into this,
Spikes! The very IDEA that others could be cheated out of money...
um... cheated out of... uh...
[Ace seems to realize what he's doing. Spikes' face couldn't be
described in a million words.]
ACE: Oh! Yeah! So, anyway... bye!!
[Spikes interrupts before Ace can leave.]
SPIKES: MIS-ter Stevens...
ACE: Present.
[Spikes looks on the brink of explosion, then chuckles slightly.]
SPIKES: It may interest you to know that you've been cheated in more
ways than one. Mister Hawkins has stopped payment on his check and,
apparently, Mr. Damon's check was overdrawing on his account. You and I
appear to have both lost money.
ACE: We have?
SPIKES: Indeed, which seems to present me with a small problem. See,
I'm able to cover the head referee contracts already signed but, well,
there are still two more territories to go. I have to make sure that we
can cover those necessary salaries. I think the best way to do this is
to cut payroll, say by firing one of the less useful talents.
ACE: Hey, Alexander Hawkins may be... oh, wait... you're talking about
Ert and Killa, aren't you?
[Ace ponders this for a moment.]
ACE: Hmmm... maybe Mr. and Mrs. Mangler would be willing to come out of
retirement.. .
SPIKES [laughing]: No! I'm not firing one of the tag team champions,
even if their competition is a little...thin right now.
ACE: Hey, it's not MY fault that consumption of sandwiches amongst tag
teams has...
SPIKES: I'm firing their manager.
[Ace's jaw drops.]
ACE: Um... WHAT?
SPIKES: Most businesses don't allow their employees to consistently
defy bosses and steal money from their pockets. It's no different here.
ACE: But... but... Henry, er... Commissioner Spikes... I... I can't
lose this job! I have far too many investments here! Plus, Da Ace
Killas are like my family! Ert... Killa... James.... um... the fat one!
And, uh.... wait, does Jive Pawnbroker work for you or me? I can't
remember.
SPIKES: Whether he does or not is inconsequential. Under DCWL policy
all managerial contracted talents are welcomed wholly under the company
umbrella.
ACE: You mean you're going to turn them all into ZOMBIES??
SPIKES: Beg pardon?
ACE: Never mind. Henry, you can't do this! I'm on the cusp of forging
the next chapter of my ultimate creation. See, I didn't even need that
one percent! I've got an outside producer funding the project now!
SPIKES: Oh no, I do believe we’ve all had our fill of mysterious
benefactors, Mr. Stevens.
ACE: Don't worry, it's not... y'know... "him." In fact, I know exactly
who the producer is, but it's inconsequential. What IS consequential is
my completing the project. Hey! I have an idea. Henry, I'm so sorry
things have gotten as out of control as they have. I was talking
earlier with Da Other Killas about needing to add someone from the DCWL
family to the movie. Henry, are... are you interested?
[Spikes seems to consider this.]
SPIKES: A movie role?
ACE: Yeah! I don't know what political figures do here in the United
States, but in Canada our politicians act all the time! Prime Minister
Harper on "Corner Gas..." former Prime Minister Jean Chretien on "Royal
Canadian Air Farce..." You could follow their lead and start an
American political acting revolution!
[Henry chuckles.]
SPIKES: Well, this DCWL gig isn't going to last forever. Sooner or
later I'll have to be back in an election, and some notariety won't
hurt. It works a little differently in America, though. Outside of Al
Gore, most of the time it’s actors turning into politicians. Arnold
Schwarzenegger, Jesse Ventura…
SPIKES: Ronald Reagan…
[Awkward pause.]
ACE: So how about it, Henry? I give you some screen time and I can keep
my job!
[Spikes snaps out of it, then looks long and hard at Stevens.]
SPIKES: If you screw me over, you'll regret it.
ACE: Look, I guarantee you'll be in the movie. Not only that, it'll be
a show-stealing performance, I assure you. It'll be so electric that
it's all ANYONE in the DCWL will be talking about! I swear!
[Henry sighs.]
SPIKES: Very well, Mr. Stevens, I shall find another way.
ACE: Henry, your decision-making prowess continues to amaze me!
SPIKES: I'll take that as a compliment. Now go.
ACE: Yes sir! I'll give you a call when I need you on set!
SPIKES: Very well. I hope this is the end of our troubles.
ACE: Hey, with... um... "that guy" out of the picture, what problems
could I possibly give you?
[Spikes raises a skeptical eyebrow at Ace.]
ACE: Oh, right... goodbye!
[Ace leaves, as the camera cuts back to the broadcast table.]
