aphilfan
"Legitimate" Jamie Sears
Posts: 73
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Post by aphilfan on Aug 18, 2009 10:54:46 GMT -7
Just a promise for now, since I'm back from vacation with no working internet at home (should be fixed today).
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aphilfan
"Legitimate" Jamie Sears
Posts: 73
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Post by aphilfan on Aug 18, 2009 22:02:46 GMT -7
And here it is!
WOTW #2
DERRICK FORD
So everyone knows by now that I hate reviewing my own stuff (and, yes, there's a lot of it on these two shows). Still, I was relatively pleased by this one. I felt this got the message across pretty well. Ford was obviously riding high at this point and didn't take B.A. Jive all that seriously as an opponent. He hates Kyle Hayden and thinks he's better than the rest of the roster, so at this point there's nothing he has to be worried about.
If I had a complaint, it's that I drew on the old DCWL too much (which is only a half step above referring to a completely different fed). I guess I can attribute this to the angle and to the fact that it's only the second WOTW. I hope to be able to phase that out pretty soon.
OF NOTE: Not that anyone else cares, but between all my characters I've had three titles (one of which never really happened, a second I lost in the middle of the last Apocalypse match, and this one) without a successful title defense. I have, however, successfully defended someone else's title. It's a weird world, friends. Also, I don't normally do "OF NOTEs" and "LINE OF THE RPs "for my stuff, but then the review would be pretty damn short.
LINE OF THE RP:
RATING: *** 1/4
BANE
I didn't know anything about Bane coming in, but I loved Requiem's stuff in his (too-)short time in the DCWL.
VERY descriptive opening. Normally a turn off to begin with six paragraphs of narrative in this style of RP, but it's an intro promo and does a lot to paint the picture necessary to really enjoy this.
Once the two start speaking...wow. Well, if you're going to out-heel the eminently unlikable (by design and by means of being boring) and established Ford, that's one surefire way to do it. It's a fine line to walk, because racism is a character trait that does not exaggerate well. If it's too cartoonish, he'll look silly. If it's too weak, it won't be believable. Luckily, Bane walks the line here very well. Strong without being racist for racism's sake.
OF NOTE: Let's hope Bane isn't needed as a face any time soon. This is a gimmick that will take a long time to wash off. Luckily, Maurice Thompsan and Go! Max Turbo should hold up that end quite nicely for a long while.
LINE OF THE RP: HAHA! Good luck with that. I think that's already been broken at least once if not more (this RP not withstanding).
RATING: *** 3/4 Very good opening RP and intro to the character. Shame at this point it's just the two of us.
Then, of course, there's WOTW 3...which I'll put up tomorrow.
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Post by drchannard on Aug 19, 2009 6:20:44 GMT -7
Thanks for the review, I love these.
I have decided to try a new style for my RPs where it's a lot more descriptive with a little less talking. I'm very curious to see what you think about my second and what I am working on with my third RP.
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aphilfan
"Legitimate" Jamie Sears
Posts: 73
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Post by aphilfan on Aug 19, 2009 12:35:00 GMT -7
Starting on WOTW#3, but wanted to post this separately. More later.
"THE NATIVE" MAURICE THOMPSON
Since most of you were around on the old board, you may remember I'm not one to give bad reviews (save for my own work upon occasion). As long as someone truly puts in an effort and takes their assignment seriously (for the characters...if Da Ace Killas ever cut a serious promo I'd probably have to have a drink before consuming it) I'll be sure to give them their due even if I don't particularly like the promo.
I'll start with what I liked. This wasn't quite an "intro" promo - that was on "Ruckus in the Rockies" - but this built along the same themes without just copying concepts word for word. We got an introduction to Michael Navarro, who with the link between Thompson and Unique Element should be someone we see a lot of. The RP fleshes out a bit more of who The Native is and allows for a lot of different directions going forward. I liked the emotion and the words directed towards Bane. That would be a feud I'd love to see, personally.
Outside of those things, though...
1. There's no excuse for misspelling your character's name for an entire promo. I don't know what happened there, but you just can't do that and have your guy be taken seriously.
I re-read these once more before going bit by bit for the reviews. When I compared our flashes and saw the difference I was ready to tear myself a new asshole. Unless it's part of the character (or otherwise intentional), getting your opponent's name wrong is awful. Getting your own name wrong? Jeez.
2. #1 is part of a larger problem in this flash...there's clearly no proofreading. The punctuation in the beginning took me off balance (in a bad way) to start and it never really got better. Someone has a rogue "A" key between "Thompsan" and "carrear." "Carrear" bothers me in general because it's just sloppy writing.
3. This ventures a little more into opinion, so these last few are ones where I'd appreciate feedback from anyone with an opinion. Maurice has his head in the clouds confidence wise. That's fine. For an 18 year old getting his start I have no problem with him having high expectations (however realistic). I'd even go as far to say as that it fits someone signed to a bigger fed like SPW.
That aside, there's confidence, there's overconfidence, and then there's blowing off an opponent entirely. It seemed that Thompson spent more time and energy on Bane than he did on Ford. That would be fine if The Native had challenged Bane (which, again, would be a big money matchup), but that wasn't the case. Thompson went out of his way to challenge Ford while he still had the strap. Then, without giving much in the way of rhyme or reason, announces that Ford is beneath him. That STILL might be fine, except the central theme of the RP was focus. Here Maurice was sitting right in front of his trainer exhibiting a lack of focus on the task at hand and his trainer was ENCOURAGING him. Gah!
Established guys can sometimes get away with this because they've proven what they can handle. Dick heels (like Ford and Bane) are expected to do this - it's what makes it so much fun when they lose. A young upstart face has no business blowing anyone off...he hasn't earned it yet and it's not the type of thing that will get people to his side. At the very least, his trainer and compatriots (Unique Element) should absolutely know better.
Now, granted, I'm the target here and maybe I'm just being sensitive. I don't think that's clouding my judgment here, because if I saw this directed at Bane or Leon Corella I'd be just as harsh. I'd really like other opinions here and if I'm wrong in saying this, I will absolutely admit it.
4. Not nearly as big a deal to me as the other three - the RP just stopped dead. It was going and then stopped without a real denoument or climax of any kind. The last line of dialogue was odd and never properly explained, though it might be addressed in later flashes.
Bottom Line: We have our first (and currently only) routinely RPing face character, which is no small deal. The DCWL needs Maurice Thompson to do well right now - we need more out of Max Turbo and Corella is too much of a tweener (if not an outright heel) to fill the same role. For that to happen, this type of thing has to stop quickly. There's still all the time in the world, and maybe there's a plan here that justifies all this. Maybe I just can't see the bigger picture. To me, though, The Native has a long way to go.
OF NOTE: What? The polemic above isn't enough? I haven't done a word count, but that might be longer than the last review I did all by itself.
LINE OF THE RP:
A bright spot that shows the potential this character has.
RATING: * 1/4
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yansuko
"Legitimate" Jamie Sears
Posts: 72
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Post by yansuko on Aug 20, 2009 3:05:46 GMT -7
The rp was wrote in haste, as I was already late and had to get it sent quickly.
It will come out as the story progresses why Navarro would encourage Maurice to concentrate on someone like Bane.
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aphilfan
"Legitimate" Jamie Sears
Posts: 73
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Post by aphilfan on Aug 20, 2009 6:25:53 GMT -7
I'll accept that. I felt kinda bad after I wrote it because I figured it would be something like that. I know you've been doing the SOW stuff as well, so that couldn't have helped.
None of this changes the fact that I stand by the basic points of what I wrote. I've seen better from you and look forward to better in the future.
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Post by Jon A on Aug 21, 2009 18:42:37 GMT -7
HEALTHY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FTW!
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aphilfan
"Legitimate" Jamie Sears
Posts: 73
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Post by aphilfan on Aug 21, 2009 22:21:59 GMT -7
And now the rest:
DERRICK L. FORD
Could have been better than what it was. The alcohol thing was probably a little over the top, but otherwise I was extremely happy with the setting. It was important because it was supposed to tell a more accurate story than Ford was and it turned out pretty well.
The dialogue was scattershot and some of it was downright out of character. The alcohol's a convenient crutch for that, but it probably reflects my own disorganized mind more than anything else.
OF NOTE: I wrote it and still have no idea why Ford was so kind to Thompson (intuitive pre-apology for the review?). When I write I try to slip my mind into the character and sometimes weird stuff pours out. I'm still working on that. At any rate, an overly-entitled selfish jerk shouldn't be "understanding" to someone who has just called them useless.
QUOTE OF THE RP:
Not a great RP quote wise.
RATING: ** 1/2 (Had the potential for more).
MINA EYRE
Decent job for a debut RP. I was a little handcuffed because the premise for the trio (and the third member) was going to be revealed over time. As such, I was limited in what I could say and do.
In that light, I did alright. The personality is established as well as a raison d'etre, at least as pertains to the DCWL.
OF NOTE: Mina Eyre becomes the first female RP'd character in the DCWL.
QUOTE: You know, for kids!
RATING: ** 1/2
BANE
Sixteen. That's the number of narrative paragraphs before the first line of dialogue. That's a lot.
Before I get into the content (which was quite good), a small suggestion. If you want to go with this level of description, maybe script format isn't the best idea. Half the previous DCWL wrote in a more narrative style (including our dear fed head and the annoying asshole who writes reviews) at some point or another to some pretty good results. I think it would help readability without sacrificing content or quality. Failing that, some small bits of dialogue (the TV?) to break up the descriptions would help out tremendously.
Content wise, it was VERY well written. Was some of it superfluous? Yeah, it was. We probably didn't need a full tour of the apartment at the level of detail provided, but it was incredibly vivid and painted a very precise picture.
I like how Bane sold the KWC kick, though some additional elaboration on this would only benefit the character.
The dialogue with the young kid was perfect and exactly how I would imagine Bane having that conversation.
Might be the best flash of the new DCWL, though there's still room to grow. Writing like this to go along with that Rahowa? Bane's the favorite for the GC as far as I'm concerned.
OF NOTE: Did Bane have that whole conversation and then go to sleep with the meat strapped to the back of his head? Nice.
QUOTE OF THE RP:
Perfect illustration of the personality aspect of the character.
RATING: **** 1/4
WOLF MASTERSON
Okay, this was poor. It was rushed because it occurred to me last minute that I should re-introduce Masterson. It's not an intro promo and he has no opponent or real story line (at this point) so I didn't put much into it. I have to make sure not to shoehorn in a catchphrase for the sake of it. I struggle enough with that for O'Connor.
OF NOTE: N/A
QUOTE OF THE RP: N/A
RATING: *
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